


A Slight Change of Plans

by magentaandlavender



Category: Honestly Ben - Bill Konigsberg, Openly Straight - Bill Konigsberg
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Boarding School, Coming Out, First Kiss, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Happy Ending, Light Angst, M/M, POV Benjamin Carver, Soulmate-Identifying Marks, True Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-11
Updated: 2017-09-04
Packaged: 2018-12-14 04:22:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 13,529
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11775414
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/magentaandlavender/pseuds/magentaandlavender
Summary: As Ben Carver entered his senior year at Natick Academy, everything was going according to plan. He's not even that concerned about his upcoming eighteen birthday and the inevitable emergence of his soulmate tattoo. But when Ben meets Natick's newest student, he realizes there are some things you just can't plan for.





	1. Work Your Plan

**Author's Note:**

> Many thanks to @bansheee for her thoughtful insight and comments. I would not have posted this if it wasn't for her.
> 
> [Disclaimer: I own absolutely nothing in this fic. Everything belongs to Bill Konigsberg.]

Ben Carver was a planner.

He couldn’t help it really. He thrived when he had order and control. Up until middle school, most of his plans had been small and centered around how to finish his farm chores faster so that he could spend more time in the library. His dad needed his help so he couldn’t avoid his chores completely, but if he just fed the animals a little faster, cleaned the stalls a bit quicker, he would get to spend that much more time doing what he enjoyed: school work, reading, and thinking. Ben lived for that quiet time where he was alone with his books and his thoughts. So much so that he planned his days around it.

Then in middle school, he formed his grand plan. He was going to be the first in his family to graduate from high school and then go onto graduate school to become a history professor, all by age twenty-five. Ben spent weeks researching different college programs. His research led him to two conclusions: 1) College was expensive. Ridiculously expensive. 2) In order to afford college, he would need scholarship money and financial aid. He had almost had a panic attack right there. He had felt his chest tighten. _How was a brainy kid from a poor New Hampshire farm family going to pay for college? Did his family even have enough money for community college?_

From that moment forward, nothing was as important for Ben as researching out how to get in and afford college. It was in his second round of grand plan research where he found the Natick Academy. It was perfect. Not only was it a prestigious school, it offered full scholarships. _But could he get in? What if his grades weren’t good enough? What if they wanted a well-rounded student who participated in extra-curricular activities and were future leaders? Ben couldn’t do extra-curricular activities and farm chores. Farm chores always came first. What would he list as his skills? Able to milk a cow? Shit. Shit. Shit_

After he got himself together, Ben had reached out to his Uncle Max. No one understood Ben like Uncle Max did. Ben, who wasn’t very social normally, could talk to his uncle for hours about ideas and history. Conversations he couldn’t have with his dad, he could have with his uncle. It was his Uncle Max who ultimately convinced Ben to go for it and apply to Natick Academy. Ben’s insides were an absolute mess until his acceptance letter and full scholarship offer came a few weeks later.

Acceptance letter and full scholarship in hand, Ben needed to convince his parents to let him attend. He knew it would be a tough sell. His parents needed his help on the family farm. After much consideration and careful planning, Ben had crafted a well-researched and persuasive argument as to why he should be allowed to go boarding school in another state. After carefully laying out each point in his argument, Ben was shocked to hear not only that he could go but that his dad was proud of him. He was so happy he almost cried. He pretended to cough to fight back the tears. _Carver men do not cry._ Part one of his grand plan was a success.

Ben had spent the last three years working on part two of his grand plan. He worked hard, remained focused, and joined extracurricular activities that would enhance his college resume. As it turned out, Ben was pretty athletic. Being 6’2, two hundred and fifteen pounds, with broad shoulders and well-muscled from years of farm work and Czech genetics definitely helped. He hadn’t had time to play sports in New Hampshire but at Natick Academy, he was able to play soccer and baseball. He put his exceptional research and argumentative skills to work by joining Model Congress, all while keeping his grades up so he could remain on scholarship. Ben’s grand plan part two was going well. Really well. He was up for valedictorian.

Ben reflected on all of his hard work as he made the two-hour drive in his old Chevy, Gretchen, from Alton to Natick to start his senior year. This was it. Everything Ben had planned and worked so hard for. Everything his family had sacrificed for. Ben’s presence on the farm was missed but the Carvers were making do. Ben tried not to think about his guilt over leaving Luke at home with extra farm chores. _He had to make their sacrifices worth it. Disappointing his family was not an option._

The only unplanned piece in Ben’s carefully planned universe was his upcoming eighteenth birthday and with that the appearance of his soulmate tattoo. The name of the girl he would love forever would appear across his chest, right above his heart. Most people looked forward to their eighteenth birthday for that very reason. Ben did not. Not at all. _Who would she be? What would she be like? Would she like Ben back? What if he wasn’t good enough for her?_ He hoped his soulmate would be interesting and funny with dark hair and beautiful eyes but also someone who could have serious and intellectual conversations. Someone who understood Ben ever better than his uncle. Someone who appreciated Ben’s intelligent humor. _Did such a girl even exist? Probably not. And if she did, what would she see in Ben?  How could he ever be good enough for her?_ Ben shook the thoughts out of his head. Too much was still riding on his senior year. He needed to focus. Part two of his plan was still incomplete. Nothing was more important than following the plan.

Ben was reminded of a famous quote by Napoleon Hill, _“Plan your work and work your plan.”_ Ben could definitely do that. He just had to work his plan and everything would turn out like he wanted.

 


	2. Touch Football

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Disclaimer: I own absolutely nothing in this fic. Everything belongs to Bill Konigsberg.]

“Hey buddy!”

Bryce turned around. “Hey man. How are you?” with a tone that was as close to enthusiastic as Bryce got. Bryce always arrived first. They had been roommates since freshman year and Bryce was by far Ben’s best friend at school. He understood Ben in a similar way to his Uncle Max. In fact, when Uncle Max died two years ago, Bryce was Ben’s only friend who attended the funeral. He was there for Ben in his time of need and Ben would never forget that.

Bryce was also the funniest person Ben knew. His wit and humor far surpassed anyone else’s at Natick Academy. And his imitations were perfection.

“Guess who I saw on my way to the dorms?”

“Who?”

“Coach Donnelly.”

Ben smiled. He knew what was coming.  God, he had missed Bryce over the summer.

“He stops me and starts rambling about this year’s soccer season. Waxing poetic about how this year was our year.” Then switching into his flawless Coach Donnelly, “Just like how 1492 was the year of the Trojans.”

Ben cracked up. He and Bryce had extensive laughs at Coach Donnelly’s expense. Each one worth it. Honestly, Ben had no idea who gave that man a teaching license.

As Ben unpacked his few belongings, he felt comforted by his dorm room. It felt homey in a way, thanks to Bryce’s additions. Ben’s family didn’t have much to spare in terms of home décor but Bryce had bought a comfy burgundy chair from home as well as an old lamp and a few other personal touches that made the room feel that much more theirs.

Ben was putting away the last of his things when he heard it.

“Yo, Benny! Bryce!”

Ben and Bryce turned toward the sound. They would recognize Steve Nickelson’s voice anywhere. Sure enough, the black haired, blue eyed boy appeared in their doorway. “What up bloods? Touch football time baby! Let’s go!”

And with that he was on to the next door. Ben and Bryce looked at each other with the same expression they always had when it came to their teammates. Something between amused and exasperated.

After a quick change, Ben and Bryce were on their way down to the quad to meet up with the rest of the guys. Ben could see that it was mostly the boys on the soccer team and they were already starting with misogynistic jokes about who did what with whom over the summer. He stifled a sigh. It’s not that they were necessarily bad guys but they definitely didn’t get Ben or Bryce. But they accepted both them enough with minimal teasing and they were his teammates after all. He would be spending a lot of time with them over the coming months. It was just easier to go with it.

Steve was the last to arrive with a dark haired boy Ben didn’t recognize. He was shorter and skinnier than Ben (but then again who wasn’t?) but not in sickly way. He was naturally lean, like a runner. He didn’t strike Ben as your typical Natick Academy student (white, wealthy, conservative, preppy) but then again Ben wasn’t your typical Natick Academy student either. His initial assessment of the new guy was cut short by Steve yelling his name and waving him over to his team, which now consisted of Ben, Steve, Zack, another senior who had clearly spent way too much time in the sun, Bryce, and the new guy.

After some quick introductions, Rafe Goldberg from Colorado, formerly known as the new guy, Ben, Bryce, and Zack all took their spots while Steve did the kick-off. Ben charged forward, putting all of his big size to good use. Their team started on defense and it wasn’t long before the other team targeted Rafe, thinking they could take advantage of the new guy. He looked out of his league lined up across from Robinson.

The play started and Robinson took off with Rafe keeping pace stride for stride. As he turned to watch the play unfold, Ben was impressed with Rafe’s speed but was less impressed with his hard spike of the ball as he batted it down. He was even less impressed with the showboating that went on afterwards between Rafe, Steve, and Zack, with terms like “Schroedster Two” being thrown around. The first Schroedster had been bad enough. Schroeder had graduated from Natick last year and was very popular despite being a cocky asshole who was infamous for starting trouble where there was none and making wildly inappropriate jokes. Natick definitely didn’t need a “Schroedster Two”. However, Rafe looked like he was about to burst with pride by being compared to him. Clearly Rafe had no idea that being compared to someone who was known for the elegant phrase, “Nobody brings that shit into my house.” Ben looked at Bryce and they both rolled their eyes. Ben knew Bryce was thinking the same thing. _Great, another Schroedster._

As the game progressed, Ben could tell that “Schroedster Two” was a bit out of his element playing football. He dropped two passes and didn’t know what a buttonhook was. Ben had to draw it out for him on his palm. The confirmation that Ben was correct came when Steve threw the ball and it hit Rafe right in the face. He still made the catch but he was bleeding pretty bad. Everyone ran over.

Ben reached out and grabbed Rafe by the shoulder. “We should get you to the infirmary. Could be broken.” While he still wasn’t sure about Rafe, that was no reason not to help someone who was wounded.

“Nah. This thing bleeds if you look at it funny. I’m cool.”

It was then that their eyes met for the first time. Up close, Ben noticed that Rafe’s eyes were this brilliant shade of green with honey brown flecks in them. Ben had never seen hazel eyes like that before. Not only were Rafe’s eyes physically beautiful but they had a lovely warmth and openness to them. Words such as _“beautiful”_ and “ _stunning”_ floated through Ben’s mind.   _Wait, what? Where had those thoughts come from? Jesus, get it together Ben, this guy is bleeding profusely with a possible broken nose and you are thinking about his pretty eyes. PRETTY EYES?!? Really Ben? And for fuck’s sake, stop staring_! All of these thoughts combined with the intense eye contact was doing nothing to help the sudden tightness in Ben’s chest. Ben had to start concentrating on breathing.

Rafe broke their gaze first as Bryce came over with some paper towels. Ben finally lowered his eyes and some of the pressure in his chest released. Ben shook his head. _What the hell was that?_ As Ben walked back to his dorm with Bryce, he couldn’t shake Rafe’s eyes from his thoughts.  Ben couldn’t ever remember having that kind of reaction to anyone else. Ben felt like in those few brief seconds, he had seen and known Rafe. But how was that even possible? It just didn’t make any sense. _Jesus Ben get a grip._ Ben shook his head again and Bryce gave him an odd look but didn’t ask.

When they got back to the room, Ben knew he needed to get his mind off what had happened. He decided to get a jump start on his reading for his American Poetry class. They were starting with “Leaves of Grass” by Walt Whitman. Yes, this he could do. He could get lost in words and not Rafe’s eyes. _Shit. Lost in his eyes?! Where do these thoughts keep coming from?_ Ben started reading.

After all, he had a plan to finish.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading Chapter 2! Thoughts and comments are always appreciated!
> 
> Visit me on [Tumblr](http://soareweall.tumblr.com)!


	3. I Get By With A Little Help From My Friends

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Disclaimer: I still own nothing.]

Ben was both relieved and disappointed at the end of the week when he realized he didn’t have any classes with Rafe but he discovered that they lived on the same floor. He hadn’t seen much of Rafe after the touch football game, with the notable exception of the urinal incident. That conversation had been so horribly awkward that Ben starting calling Rafe “Urinal Guy,” and this small inside joke brought a carefree smile to Rafe’s face each time. Perhaps he wasn’t as bad as Schroedster. At least Rafe could appreciate Ben’s attempt at humor and take a joke. Most people didn’t understand Ben’s humor.

Soccer tryouts began the first Saturday after classes. Ben made his way down to the locker room with Bryce. He tried not to notice how all the other boys on the team were dressed in brand new gear, each one showing off their new brightly colored cleats and latest shin guards. Ben wore all of the same gear as last year. His family couldn’t afford new soccer equipment every year. No matter how much he had tried to clean them and make it look new; it was clear they weren’t.

As Ben finished lacing up his cleats, he picked his head up and winced when he noticed Rafe getting ready a few rows over. Rafe hadn’t done well at touch football. Ben hoped that he was better at soccer than he was at football. Not that Ben cared if Rafe was athletic but he didn’t want him to become a target for Steve and the other soccer guys.

As Rafe changed into his practice jersey, Ben concentrated on the movements of Rafe’s slender but muscular back. There was a relaxed elegance to his movements. Ben’s movements were always so tight and intense, a reflection of his inner thoughts. He wondered if maybe Rafe’s movements were a reflection of someone who was more lighthearted than he was.  _ What must that be like, to not be trapped in your head all the time? To not be a slave to your thoughts? Was Rafe naturally like that? Or was it something he practiced? _

“EARTH TO BEN!” Bryce’s voice cut right through Ben’s train of thought.

“Huh? What?” Ben hoped Bryce didn’t notice that he was staring at Rafe. He had to get that under control.

“Coach Donnelly is calling us out to the field. Time to train like the Aztecs did for the first Olympics.”

 

Ben was pleasantly surprised that Rafe was much better at soccer than he was at touch football, not that he had been watching Rafe the whole time. He was even more pleasantly surprised when Rafe came up to him after practice.

“Does Coach Donnelly always get his facts wrong?”

Ben smirked. “Always. He hasn’t made one historically accurate statement in three years. I swear, it’s like the man has never opened a book.”

Rafe smiled back. “Yeah. I’m fairly confident it wasn’t Lincoln who said, ‘Winners never quit and quitters never win.” Ben laughed. “How has nobody called him on his bullshit?”

“The teams he coaches always do well so the school lets it slide. Lucky for me I play baseball too so I get it year round.”

Rafe’s eyes widen. “You play baseball too? Is there anything you can’t do Ben Carver?”

Ben could feel the blush starting to form. “What do you mean?”

“Well, I asked around and heard that you are also part of Model Congress and up for valedictorian this year. So, back to my original question. Is there anything you can’t do?”

Ben didn’t even hear Rafe ask the question again. His brain was stuck on “I asked around.”  _ He asked about me? Who did he ask? What else would people say about me? No one really knows me except Bryce. Is that all people know about me? That I play sports and get good grades? That’s not even how I would describe myself. There is so much more to me. _ It took Ben a few moments to realize that Rafe was looking at him expecting a response. 

He had none.

Rafe cracked up a bit. “It must be nice to be so naturally gifted at everything.”

Ben smiled a little wider. “Not everything. I can’t swim. I sink like a thick, Czechoslovakian stone.”

Rafe laughed genuinely at that. “You’re funny Ben Carver.” And with that Rafe turned and headed toward his locker.

Ben beamed. No one had ever called him funny before. 

He liked it.

****

As the fall progressed, Ben started to spend more and more time with Rafe. They had both made the soccer team and it turns out that Rafe and Bryce were in the same writing seminar, so Rafe would come by Ben’s room to exchange papers with Bryce to complete the peer editing requirement. While their interactions were usually short and causal, Ben started to realize that he looked forward to conversing with Rafe. Small talk had never been Ben’s specialty but with Rafe it was surprisingly easy. They always managed to find common ground. Ben couldn’t remember it being this easy, this natural with anyone else. He had never made a friend so quickly.

And yet, while his connection with Rafe was strengthening by the day, his friendship with Bryce was slipping. Bryce always had a quiet intensity about him and had a history of depression. It was something that Ben was aware of but not something Bryce liked to talk about. All he really said to Ben about it was that he hated taking his pills. The side effects weren’t worth it according to Bryce.

While Bryce had been dark periodically in the past, there was something different about him now. Bryce was even less social than he normally was and was struggling to keep up with his schoolwork. When Ben had asked him about applying to colleges, Bryce just gave him a blank stare as if he couldn’t have cared less about his future. It was an apathy that Ben couldn’t understand. Ben’s future was everything. It was the driving force behind the grand plan. So Ben tried not to be too worried about it. Bryce had always pulled it together in the end.

It was Halloween night when Ben really began to stress about Bryce. He had never been this dark before and Ben was at a loss for how to help him. As he got his things together to head over to the library, he glanced over at Bryce, who was sitting on his bed staring at the wall. Both boys were invited to participate in the soccer team’s annual Halloween pranks (this year was going to be EPIC according Steve and Zack) but both declined. Ben used Halloween to his advantage. He knew the Natick Academy Library would be empty on Halloween night, especially so since Halloween fell on a Friday this year, and he needed to get caught up on his college applications. The grand plan didn’t work if Ben didn’t actually apply to college on time.

Ben inquired if Bryce wanted to join him but got no response in return. He thought about staying with Bryce but then decided that maybe Bryce needed some time to himself to sort things out. He strode out the door and headed to the library. He suppressed the anxious feeling in the pit of his stomach.

After a few hours, Ben started to nod off and he knew it was time to call it a night. As Ben stepped out of the library, the brisk fall air woke him right up, which was something he desperately needed. It was still Halloween after all and some asshole might try to prank him. He really wasn’t in the mood. The whole interaction (or lack thereof) with Bryce earlier was still making him feel uneasy.

When he arrived safely back at his dorm, he was relieved to see that Bryce was still there, but that relief was short-lived when he realized that Bryce hadn’t moved and was still staring at the same spot on the wall. Ben quietly climbed up onto the bed and sat next to Bryce hoping to elicit a response, but still nothing. After ten minutes of silence, Ben got up and got ready for bed. As he laid down to sleep, he thought,  _ At least Bryce is in the room. He’s safe here _ .

Ben woke up in the middle night and was immediately aware of the lack of noise. Bryce was a snorer and a loud one at that. It had been unbearable at first but Bryce’s snoring had now become a comforting white noise that helped Ben sleep. He sat up and looked over to Bryce’s bed. No Bryce.  _ Shit. Shit. Shit. _

Ben felt his chest tighten immediately. Bryce had never disappeared like this before.  _ Calm down Ben. Maybe he’s just in the bathroom. _ Ben bolted to the bathroom. No Bryce. He ran back to the room to look for a note or something that would indicate where he went. Nothing. He tried calling Bryce’s cellphone. Straight to voicemail. 

Ben was now having to concentrate on breathing as his panic set in. He didn’t know what to do.  _ Should he wait for Bryce? Should he go look for him? Why didn’t he force Bryce to talk to him? Why didn’t he say something to someone?  _ His feeling and thoughts continued to spiral out of his control. He hated that.

In his panicked state, Ben ran down the hall and banged on Rafe’s door, completely disregarding the quiet hour rules. After an agonizing minute, Rafe opened the door. He blinked several times as his eyes adjust to the light in the hall and he ran his hand through his disheveled hair. He finally looked up at Ben.  _ God he was beautiful. Jesus.  _ It absolutely didn’t help that Rafe did not sleep with his shirt on. He reminded himself to focus on finding Bryce.

His thoughts came out as rambles. “I don’t know what to do. Tell me what to do. I can’t figure out what to do.”

“Breathe Ben. Take a deep breath. What happened?”

“I don’t know what happened to Bryce. He was in the room and then he wasn’t. He’s not answering his phone. He was acting all strange today. I knew I should have said something but I didn’t. What if he hurt himself? I don’t even know how long he has been missing. I can’t think. I can’t-” The anxious feeling in Ben’s stomach was in full force. He was struggling to breathe.

“Deep breaths Ben. Deep breaths. Why do you think Bryce would hurt himself?”

“If I tell you something, can you keep a secret?”

“Absolutely. You can trust me.”

Even through his panic, Ben instinctively knew he could trust Rafe. He told Rafe about Bryce and his history with depression. Rafe listened attentively, nodding along but not speaking.

Only when Ben finished did Rafe speak, “Ben, I need you to think. Where would he have gone?”

Ben’s mind whirled. “He has a car. He could have driven anywhere.”

“Shit. Hold on.” Rafe disappeared, leaving Ben in the hallway by himself. He stared at his phone, trying to will it into ringing. Rafe returned wearing his University of Colorado sweatshirt. 

“Do you have a car?”

“Yes.”

“Good. Let’s start with all the places Bryce likes to go.”

“You are going to help me?”

“Of course. You and Bryce are my friends.”

Ben had never been so thankful for anyone in his whole life. Just being in Rafe’s proximity had a calming effect on Ben. He ran back to his room, grabbed his keys, and ran to his car with Rafe.

After driving around Natick for an hour, Rafe suggested checking the local police station and hospital. They struck out at both locations, both claiming that since the boys weren’t immediate family, they couldn’t share confidential information.

Exhausted, Ben drove back to Natick with Rafe looking equally exhausted in the passenger seat. Ben pulled Gretchen into the parking lot and turned off his car. The events of the night were finally starting to catch up to Ben. He could feel the tears stinging his eyes.  _ Carver men did not cry.  _ He sniffled and Rafe sat up.

“Hey, hey Ben. Bryce is going to be alright. I just know it.” The compassion in his voice only made Ben want to cry more.

And then Rafe reached out and gently touched Ben’s hand. Ben gasped. The tenderness of Rafe’s action’s stunned him but was somehow still comforting. He swallowed and took a deep breath, trying to get himself back under control.

“Thank you for coming with me tonight. It means a lot. Most people wouldn’t have risked breaking curfew and getting in trouble to help someone they have only known a few weeks.”

“I’m sorry I couldn’t have done more.”

Ben had finally composed himself enough to chance looking over to Rafe. They made eye contact again and there they were again. Rafe’s kind hazel eyes, although this time they were tinted with sadness. Ben briefly thought that he would do anything to get rid of that little of sadness in Rafe’s eyes but he was too tired, too overwhelmed to dwell on that thought. Instead, he pulled his hand away and stepped out of his car.

They snuck back into the dorm. Rafe walked Ben back to his room and asked if there was anything else he could do. Ben told him no and thanked him again for helping him. Ben hoped Rafe understood how much his actions had meant to him. 

Ben shut the door, walked across the room, and collapsed on his bed.

He tried not to think about Bryce, about where he could be, and if he was alright. He also tried not to think about Rafe, his new friend with the incredible eyes, whose presence alone had made Ben feel better, and whose simple touch had left him breathless. Ben had never had a friend like Rafe. He didn’t even know it was possible. 

He tried not to think about it as he willed himself to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for continuing to read! 
> 
> Thoughts and comments are always appreciated!
> 
> Visit me on [Tumblr](http://soareweall.tumblr.com)!


	4. Carry On

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Same Disclaimer. Still the owner of nothing in this fic.]
> 
> Also, sorry this one is so short. The rest of the chapters are longer!

Ben awoke to a knock at the door. His first thought was that it was Bryce. He had finally returned and was just locked out. Despite his exhaustion, Ben flew out of bed and swung the door open. 

He was startled by the sight of Coach Donnelly.

“Good morning, Ben. Could you come with me to my office?” His tone was somber as he spoke.

Ben’s stomach plummeted and suddenly felt slightly faint. Whatever was coming was not good. He couldn’t find the words, so he only nodded in response and followed Coach Donnelly to his office.

Ben sat down on the green sofa and prepared himself for the worst.

Coach Donnelly sat at his desk. “I received a call from the hospital this morning. Bryce was admitted last night. He turned himself into the psychiatric ward. His parents are already on their way. The doctor I spoke to said he had a major depressive episode.

Ben tried to take that in but it just didn’t make any sense.  _ Hospital? Psychiatric ward? Major depressive episode?  _ His mind flashed through all of their recent conversations.  _ Was it that bad? Had Ben missed something? How could he have been so out of touch with his best friend and how bad he was hurting? _

Coach Donnelly continued. “He parents are taking him back to Rhode Island and try to get him some help.”

_ No. He needed Bryce.  _ “He’s leaving?” Ben’s voice was so small.

“I am so sorry Ben. I know he was a good friend to you. It reminds me of an Ancient Mesopotamian haiku-”

Ben couldn’t listen to Coach Donnelly’s made up drivel right now. He just couldn’t. Not after last night and this morning. It was just too much. So he got up and strode out the door.

Ben couldn’t remember ever feeling so drained. He didn’t think he would have the energy to make it back to his dorm room. He thanked his lucky stars that last night was Halloween and all of the boys on his floor were still asleep. For the second time in less than 5 hours, Ben collapsed into bed, willing himself not to think.

At some point much later in morning (early afternoon maybe? Ben had no idea), he heard a knock at his door.  _ Who the fuck is that? _ If it was Coach Donnelly again, Ben could not be held responsible for his actions. He angrily answered the door, ready to ream out whoever was standing there.

Ben’s unhappiness must have been clear on his face because the second he opened the door, Rafe jumped back, eyebrows and hands shooting straight up in surprise. “Sorry! I’ll come back,” he said quickly, already turning to head back down the hall.

Ben exhaled and let out a breath. He relaxed a little. “No, no. I’m sorry. I thought you were Coach Donnelly again.”

“Again?”

Ben sighed and he waved Rafe into his room. Rafe hesitated. “Are you sure? I can come back. I just wanted to check on you. See if Bryce had come back or if you had heard from him. Really, I can come back later.” Ben could tell Rafe was a little nervous and there was something not right about it. Ben was used to warm, friendly Rafe who was quick to smile. Ben didn’t like this nervous Rafe and he didn’t like being the cause of it either.

“No, really it’s alright. I could use the company. It’s lonely in here now.” He opened the door wider and Rafe come inside and sat down in the burgundy chair. Bryce’s burgundy chair.  _ How was he going to do this without Bryce? _

“So you thought I was Coach Donnelly?” Ben nodded and proceeded to fill Rafe in on his earlier conversation with Coach Donnelly about Bryce. Just as before, Rafe listened attentively and only spoke once Ben was finished.

“So, that’s it huh? He just going to leave.”

_ God, Bryce leaving. How was this even happening? _ Ben looked down and nodded.  _ This wasn’t part of the plan. _

“The plan?”

_ Shit _ . Ben hadn’t meant to say that out loud. He really must be tired to have so little control between his brain and his mouth. There was no use lying at this point. He took a deep breath and told Rafe about his grand plan. Again Rafe listened thoughtfully. Ben felt like he was truly being heard for the first time in a long time.

When Ben finished, he met Rafe’s gaze. He was so lost in his own words that he didn’t even realize Rafe had been staring at him the whole time. “I think Bryce would want you to finish your plan.”

“Yeah, me too. I just never thought I would have to do it without him. He was my best friend. Is my best friend”

“Well, maybe you can lean on your other friends, like the guys on the soccer team. Maybe Steve or Zack?”

Ben snorted. “Definitely not. We are acquaintances at best. I don’t think those guys have had a serious conversation in their entire life.”

Rafe smiled. “Then I guess you’ll have to lean on me.”

Through his exhaustion, Ben smiled, “When I’m not strong?”

Rafe smiled even wider. He sang, “And I’ll be your friend. I’ll help you carry on.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Half way done! Thanks for reading!
> 
> Thoughts and comments are always appreciated!
> 
> Check me out on [Tumblr](http://soareweall.tumblr.com)!


	5. Truth or Dare?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Same Disclaimer.]

Rafe was as good as his word. He came by every day after his classes to walk with Ben to soccer practice and had dinner with him too. He also started doing his homework in Ben’s room. They would often work in silence since they shared none of the same classes but Rafe’s presence was a comfort to Ben. Afterwards they would stay up late and talk about anything and everything. It was so natural. So much so that it made Ben feel bad when he thought about Bryce and the fact that it was supposed to be Bryce’s room too.

About two weeks after the Bryce episode, Ben came back to his room and Rafe was already waiting inside, sitting in what was slowly becoming his burgundy chair.

“Hey, man! How was your day?”

“Good. BC Calculus is trying to suck the life out of me but good otherwise.” Ben plopped his school stuff down and started gathering up his soccer gear. While Ben liked soccer, he was glad the season was almost over. Soccer took up a lot of time and Ben looking forward to putting more focus and effort into his school work and finishing up his college applications. Baseball and Model Congress would start up in January so he would have to make the most of the time in between. His plan was to have all of his college applications done for before Christmas.

“Did you hear about Tommy Mendenhall?”

Ben looked up. “What was I supposed to hear about him?” Tommy Mendenhall was not one of Ben’s favorite people at Natick. They were on the baseball team together and let’s just say Tommy and Schroedster had a lot in common. Tommy Mendenhall was also known for having and selling the answer keys to every test given at Natick Academy. 

Yep, definitely not one of Ben’s favorite people.

“His soulmate tattoo appeared.”

That got Ben’s attention. Between schoolwork, college applications, and soccer practice, not to mention the whole Bryce incident, Ben had completely forgotten about that. It made sense that Tommy got his first, he was the oldest in the grade after all. Ben’s birthday was still a couple of months away. He didn’t want to think about it.

“And? What’s her name? Is it Melody?” Melody was Tommy’s girlfriend. She was a local Joey Warren girl with whom Tommy had a very public and very volatile relationship.

“That’s just it!” Rafe laughed. “Her name is Brandi. Apparently he had been avoiding Melody since he got it but then she just showed up on campus today and demanded to see it. I heard she just started screaming at him in the middle of quad. And he’s all trying to calm her down but then she just ripped his shirt open and there it was, “Brandi” in pretty cursive. She dumped him right there in front of everyone.”

“Damn. That sucks.” The appearance of a soulmate tattoo was more often than not the nail in the coffin for high school relationships.  

When they got to the locker room, it turned that the Tommy Mendenhall story was still making its rounds. Ben tried to ignore immature garbage that was locker room talk. Most of it centered around the fact that your soulmate tattoo was actually a cock block because a girl wouldn’t sleep with a guy whose name didn’t match the one on her chest. Ben sometimes wondered why he voluntarily hung out with these guys. He made eye contact with Rafe and rolled his eyes.

Later that night, Ben was trying not to die of boredom while completing his calculus assignment while Rafe laid on the floor next to him finishing up one of his writing seminar assignments. Ben glanced out the window. The whole Tommy Mendenhall soulmate tattoo thing was still bothering him. Really, it was the whole soulmate tattoo thing in general. Not only did Ben not like that he had no control over it but he also didn’t like that information that was so personal was out there exposed on his body.  _ What if he didn’t want everyone to know who his soulmate was? Why was it anyone else’s business? _

He was jarred back to reality when he noticed Rafe starting to crawl under Bryce’s bed.  _ What the fuck was he doing? _

“What the fuck are you doing?”

Rafe was now hallway under Bryce’s bed. “I think Bryce has a bottle of vodka under his bed.” He crawled in a little more. “It’s. Just. Over. Here.” Rafe shimmied back out and held up the bottle triumphantly.

“VICTORY!”

Ben cracked up. “That’s some real lost treasure there. Blackbeard would be proud.”

Rafe looked at him funny. “Don’t be ridiculous, Ben. Everyone knows pirates only drink rum.”

Ben smiled even more. “Actually, pirates would add rum to bad water to cover the taste.”

“Ew. Gross. Let’s not do that.” He stood up and went toward the mini-fridge. “You have anything to mix this vodka with?”

Ben’s eyebrows shot up. “You want to drink NOW?!”

Rafe turned and grinned. “You got something better to do, Carver?”

Ben looked down at his calculus work. He really needed to get this done. Quite frankly, the class was kicking his ass. Not to mention, he had wanted to get ahead on some of his other work as well once he got through the beast that was “Parametric and Vector-Valued Function Differentiation.”  _ Who came up with this crap?  _

Besides drinking was for weekends and even then, Ben only drank occasionally. Drinking had not been a part of his plans for the night.

His own response surprised him. “Definitely not.” He pointed to the mini-fridge. “There are some orange Gatorades in there. We can make plastic screwdrivers.”

“And plastic screwdrivers are?” Rafe questioned. He grabbed two Gatorade bottles out of the fridge and tossed one to Ben.

Ben caught the bottle and sat up fully on the floor. “It’s a drink Bryce invented. Two-parts Gatorade to one-part vodka.” He smiled at the memories of drinking plastic screwdrivers with Bryce. Ben turned his attentions back to Rafe. “So chug a third of the Gatorade and then add the vodka until the bottle is full again.”

A look of concern flashed across Rafe’s face. “Do you think Bryce will mind?”

Ben considered that but then ultimately determined that if Bryce did come back, he would just buy him another bottle. “Nope.”

Rafe sat down across the floor from Ben. “Let’s play a game.”

“Like, what?” Most of his previous plastic screwdriver experience involved him just watching Bryce as he did imitations of the people at Natick Academy. Drinking games weren’t really his thing.

Rafe’s eyes lit up. “Like Truth or Dare?”

Truthfully, Ben hated Truth or Dare. He was a very private person and didn’t like to put himself out there. Years of growing up a Carver will do that to a person. But he couldn’t deny Rafe, not with that mischievous gleam in his eyes. He sighed. “Fine.” He took a big swig of his plastic screwdriver to prepare himself.

Rafe’s face lit up even more. It was a beautiful sight. It warmed Ben to think that his agreeing to Rafe’s plan caused that reaction. “I’ll start. Ben, truth or dare?”

An even deeper sigh then before. “Truth.”

“What’s your favorite quote?” Ben appreciated that Rafe was going easy on him to start off. He must have known that Ben would need more alcohol in his system before he felt comfortable answering any truly personal questions.  He gave Rafe’s question some thought.

“To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment. Ralph Waldo Emerson.” Ben had come across that quote as freshman and it instantly resonated with him. There was something so deep and meaningful about it. It was like Emerson was speaking to Ben personally when he said it.

Rafe nodded. “Of course your favorite quote came from a 19 th century transcendentalist. Very Ben Carver.”

“You know what a transcendentalist is?”

Rafe pretended to look offended. “Hey I may not be up for valedictorian, but I read and pay attention in school. Mostly.” He smiled. “Alright, my turn.”

Ben sat up a little straighter. “Rafe, truth or dare?”

“Truth.”

“Why did you transfer to Natick Academy for senior year?” They had never talked about this before and Ben had been curious. This seemed like a good a time as any to ask.

Rafe’s smile faded a little. He shrugged. “I suppose I was tired of being labeled.” Ben made a motion to signal Rafe to go on. “Back in Boulder, I felt like I was two-dimensional. Like there was so much more to me than what people were seeing but I had spent so long being those things that I didn’t know how to not be them.” He took a deep breath and made eye contact with Ben. “I just needed a fresh start. A place where I could be more me.”

Ben continued to hold Rafe’s gaze as he considered his answer.  _ His Rafe. Always so honest and open. So much freer than Ben could ever be. Wait. Back the fuck up. When did he start thinking of Rafe as “His Rafe?”  _ Ben came back to himself. “So why not just wait for college? Start over then?”

“I guess because I hated the idea of spending another year not being completely, openly me. So, Ben Carver, truth or dare?” And with that Rafe unleashed an unfairly blinding smile at Ben that he felt in his knees. Thank god he was sitting down.  _ Had he ever had this reaction to anyone before? _

Ben felt stupid picking “truth” again. “Dare.”

Rafe glanced around the room and then out the window. That mischievous gleam in his eyes was back in full force. “I dare you to howl at the moon.”

He couldn’t be serious. 

“You can’t be serious.”

“I am very serious. I dare you to go to open the window and howl at the moon.”

Ben begrudgingly walked over and opened the window. “Aaaahhh!” he said, just a bit louder than his speaking voice.

“Oh my god, that was pathetic,” Rafe said. He got up stood right next to Ben showed him how a real howl/scream was done. “Let it go, Ben Carver, Let it all go.”

Ben couldn’t believe Rafe had just done that, had just let it all go so easily. He looked down at Rafe as he started chanting softly, “Fuck it. Fuck it. Fuck it.”

And fuck it Ben did. He howled and howled and howled. It felt so good. Who knew letting go felt like this? Ben felt lighter than he had in a long time.

“I think I needed that.”

Rafe laughed. “I think you did too.” Ben marveled at how Rafe always knew what made him feel better.

“My mom believes in shouting out your emotions.”

“Well, my family believes in keeping everything bottled up.” Ben briefly wondered what it would have been like to grow up in a family that freely expressed themselves. He wondered if he would have been more like Rafe if he had. “Your turn. Rafe Goldberg, truth or dare?”

After several more rounds of truth or dare and another plastic screwdriver, Ben had learned that other than his parents, the person Rafe missed the most from home was a girl named Claire Olivia. Although Rafe didn’t say, Ben assumed she must have been an ex-girlfriend. 

He also admitted that he had a bad habit of masturbating. Ben’s brain had temporarily short-circuited at that and he almost responded with a “So who do you think about when you’re doing it?” but he caught himself. That would have been WAY too personal.

Rafe glanced at Ben’s alarm clock. “Crap, it’s almost 1 a.m. and I have to get up early for class. There really is nothing worse than physics before 8 a.m.”

Ben wasn’t sure if it was the two plastic screwdrivers or the fact that he felt so much closer to Rafe after playing truth or dare but he found himself saying, “Last one, truth or dare.” Ben silently prayed for dare.

“Okay. Dare.”

“I dare you to sleep with me.” Rafe’s eyebrows shot up to his hairline as he nearly choked on the last of his drink. 

_ GOD DAMN WORDS BEN. USE BETTER WORDS!  _

“I meant sleep in here with me. You can use Bryce’s bed. It’s been so weird sleeping in here by myself. I am so used to sharing a room, first with my brother Luke and then with Bryce. I just need someone. Please stay.” Ben had to mentally tell himself to shut up. He really should reconsider drinking. He could feel the pressure in his chest increase as Rafe stood there stunned into silence.  _ Why did his brain and body have such a hard time functioning properly? _

After what seemed like an eternity to Ben, Rafe finally responded. “Okay,” he said with an easy smile. “Let me just go back to my room and get changed real quick. I’ll be right back.”

Once the door closed him, Ben let out the breath he didn’t even know he was holding. He rubbed his hand across his face.  _ Did he really just ask Rafe to sleep here? And Jesus the way he asked. So lame. Why was he always so infinitely lame? Why couldn’t he be one of those guys who just always said something cool? _

He forced himself to get changed so he would be ready when Rafe came back. Ben was already in bed when Rafe reentered. He turned off the light and climbed into Bryce’s bed. They wished each other goodnight and within a few minutes, Rafe’s breathing started to even out.

Ben rolled onto his side and looked at Rafe. Sleep just added a layer of peacefulness to him. As he watched Rafe sleep, Ben thought about how close he was to Rafe and how lucky he was to have such an amazing friend. Not only was he smart and funny, but he was so caring and thoughtful. It’s as if he instinctively knew what Ben needed. Ben always felt better after hanging out with Rafe. He brought a lightness into Ben’s life that he didn’t even know he had been missing.

Ben thought about how close they had gotten over such a short period of time. It had never been like this with anyone else, not even Bryce. Not even with his two previous girlfriends, Cindy and Hannah. It had never been this fast, this strong, this right. And yet, Ben still felt like they weren’t close enough.

He thought about how Rafe’s hazel eyes lit up at every one of Ben’s jokes. He thought about the playful way he smiled.  _ Had he ever thought about another person’s lips like that before? What would it be like to kiss those lips? To kiss Rafe? _

_ Holy. Fucking. Shit. _

_ That couldn’t be it, could it? _

_ Oh. Shit. This was not part of the plan. This was not part of the plan at all. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kudos, comments, thoughts, and feedback are always appreciated!
> 
> Find me on [Tumblr](http://soareweall.tumblr.com)!


	6. The Fall

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Everything in this fic still belongs to Bill Konigsberg.]
> 
> Also, Ben does some questioning of his sexuality in this chapter, similarly to the way he does in "Honestly Ben." Just wanted to give you a heads up!

By the time Ben woke up the next morning, Rafe was already gone and he was almost late for class. As he scrambled to get dressed, he tried not to think about the pounding in his head and whether it was from all of the alcohol or all of the thinking he had done last night.

If he was being honest with himself, he knew it was a little bit alcohol and a lot of bit thinking.

Ben had been up for hours last night. That initial thought of wanting to kiss Rafe had caused his mind to spin wildly out of control. He thought back to the very first time he saw Rafe at the touch football game and how Rafe’s eyes had stunned him into silence and staring. He thought about all of Rafe’s effortlessly radiant smiles and he especially liked the ones that he caused.

It took all of Ben’s personal self-control to not smile at the thoughts. It would have been too creepy if Rafe had woken up and caught Ben smiling at him from across the room in the middle of the night. Yeah, definitely creepy. Carvers weren’t creepy.

But it was more than just recognizing that Rafe was attractive. Rafe was kind, caring, and open. He was funny but in a smart way.  Rafe had been there for Ben this semester whenever he needed him. Beyond that, he got Ben. He really understood Ben and what Ben needed. He thought about when Rafe touched his hand, knowing Ben needed a small bit of comfort and reassurance. How Rafe came by his room every day since because he knew Ben needed a friend. He thought about how just that night, Rafe could tell Ben was getting lost in his own head and drowning in calculus, so he suggested a game.

Ben thought about how when he thought about Rafe, words like “natural” and “right” came to mind.  _ Did friends have thoughts like this about other friends? _

Ben had thought about the other boys at Natick Academy and about the other boys his age back in Alton. While he had appreciated that some of them were good looking, it had always been something distant, nothing more than a passing acknowledgement. With Rafe it was so different. He felt this undeniable attraction to Rafe and it definitely wasn’t passing. In fact, it was getting stronger.

So was Ben gay? It was the first time Ben really considered it. There hadn’t been a need to before. Until now, Ben had always thought of himself as a straight male. Maybe he was gay but that didn’t seem right. Not in a homophobic way, Ben was completely comfortable with different forms of sexuality, but in an inaccurate way. It just didn’t seem to describe what Ben was feeling. Perhaps he was bi? But he had always thought of being bi as liking boys and girls equally which didn’t quite fit either. Maybe bisexuality is a continuum? Maybe it’s not a 50/50 split? 

He spent a long time considering it.  

His Uncle Max had come out as bi when he was a kid and it had not gone over well with his father. Ben could hear his father saying “Only straight bones in this family.” Ben immediately stopped thinking about his dad. It definitely wasn’t helping.

Ben shifted his thoughts to girls. What about his previous girlfriends? Ben had definitely been physically attracted to Cindy and Hannah and had definitely enjoyed being physical with them. His late night fantasies had always featured women. 

So where did this thing for Rafe fit in? What was this thing for Rafe?  _ Christ, how long had he been thinking about Rafe? _ Ben had finally rolled over without looking at the clock. He didn’t want to know the answer to that question.

As he gathered his books to get to class, he realized he never finished his calculus homework.  _ Shit. Well there goes his lunch period. At least it’s an afternoon class.  _ He raced across the quad toward his American Poetry class. While he really did try to pay attention to his teacher’s lecture on T.S. Eliot and his rejection of structure and how that contributes to his work, Ben’s brain seemed to be stuck in the same Rafe centered spiral it was in last night. Apparently it was never ending.

By the time lunch rolled around, Ben was exhausted. He tried to finish his homework, but the numbers were just blurring together. BC Calculus was hard for Ben on a good day and today was not one of those days. By some miracle, Ben was able to pull something together that resembled calculus just as his lunch period was finishing up.

By the time classes were over, Ben just wanted to collapse in bed. He trudged back to his room, expecting to find Rafe already there. He wasn’t. Ben couldn’t tell if he was relieved, disappointed, or panicked, or some variation of all three.

The feelings didn’t last long as Rafe came in about 10 minutes later. “Hey man.” He paused and looked at Ben. “You alright? Bad day?”

Ben just nodded. It was all he had the energy to do.

“You want to talk about it?”

_ Yes, Rafe. Let’s talk about how I spent the entire day thinking about you as well as all of last night. In fact, I stared at you for a good three hours while I thought about our relationship and what it would be like to kiss you. We can follow that up with a conversation about my crush on you. _

_ Jesus. _

_ My crush on you. _

“Not really.”

Something must have been off about Ben’s tone because Rafe just looked at him. “Okay. Well I am here if you need me.” And with that Rafe got started on his homework.

A new Rafe thought came to Ben, which surprised him. He thought he already had every thought about Rafe possible. Obviously not.

Despite thinking about Rafe constantly for all of today and all of last night, Ben never considered Rafe’s feelings or what Rafe thought about their friendship (relationship?) For the second time in 24 hours, Ben went through all of the conversations between him and Rafe. Ben couldn’t remember Rafe mentioning a girlfriend but he hadn’t mentioned a boyfriend either.  _ Why was this stuff so complicated? _

Ben thought about ways to talk to Rafe about it but then decided against it. He figured it was best to get his feelings on this situation sorted out before talked to Rafe. Ben got started on his poetry reading instead.

After a couple of hours, Rafe suggested they grab some dinner. Ben did his best to converse with Rafe like they always did at dinner but he knew he was struggling and Rafe was just being polite and not saying anything.

Rafe must have had enough because he finally spoke up on the walk back to the dorms. “You sure you’re alright?”

“Yeah, like I said, bad day. I’m exhausted.”

“Me too. We should probably just get some sleep.”

Apparently that meant that Rafe was sleeping over again. He went back to his room to change and then came back, climbed into Bryce’s (now Rafe’s) bed, and wished Ben a good night.

Ben couldn’t have another night like last night. He needed sleep. He willed himself to face the wall, close his eyes, and fall asleep.

*

It was about three days into Thanksgiving break when Ben fully acknowledged he was indeed crushing hard on Rafe. He missed him something fierce and it had only been three freaking days.

After that first night with the drinking (and the staring. Yes, lots of staring), Rafe sleeping over became a regular thing. In fact, Rafe was practically living out of Ben’s room and Ben loved it. Instead of hanging around after class to ask clarifying questions and have conversations with his teachers, Ben now bolted as soon as class was over, hoping to catch Rafe on the quad passing between classes or to get a little more time with him at lunch.

But those little interactions paled in comparison to the end of the day when Ben got to come home to Rafe. He couldn’t wait to tell Rafe about his day and hear about Rafe’s in return. Ben couldn’t think of anything better than spending time with Rafe.

Well, actually, he could. He wanted to be closer to Rafe in every way possible. The thought both thrilled and terrified him.  _ So this is what it’s like to be in love with your best friend. _

Rafe had asked Ben to come back with him to Boulder when he found out that Ben’s Thanksgiving plans involved staying on campus and catching up on homework and college applications. Ben had wanted to go, he had never been out west before, but spending all this additional time with Rafe had put him behind on his grand plan timeline. He needed the quiet time to catch up.

So here Ben was three days into self-imposed isolation and he was miserable. In attempt to get his mind off Rafe, he sequestered himself in the library and dove headfirst into schoolwork and college applications. He finished both in two days. Ben had done all he could regarding college. Now, it was up to the admissions offices. He success of his grand plan was in their hands. He thought he would have felt a sense of accomplishment or at minimum, a sense of relief. He felt neither. It didn’t seem like much of an achievement when there was no one there to share it with.

He had thought about calling Rafe but decided against it. There was something too formal about a phone call. For not the first time, Ben wished his cell phone plan came with texting. Texting would have been way easier.

As Ben was driving to the diner for his Thanksgiving dinner, his phone rang. It was Rafe. His heart pulsed wildly. Ben smiled as he picked up and put his phone on speaker.

“Hey buddy!”

“Hey! Happy Thanksgiving!” Ben smiled even wider. Rafe sounded so happy on the phone. Happy Rafe was almost too much for Ben to handle.

“You too! What is all that noise in the background?”

“That’s my family. They don’t know any volume other than loud. If the survival of humanity depended on them whispering, we would all be dead.”

Ben cracked up. “Well hopefully that task is given to my family instead. No one ever says anything. Humanity could go on for eternity.”

“So what have you been doing today?” Ben considered telling Rafe the truth, which was that he was driving to a cheapest diner in town by himself on Thanksgiving. He reconsidered. “Not much. You?”

“I’ve spent the last three days begging my mom to make an actual turkey for Thanksgiving to no avail. So I’m stuck with a tofu turkey for Thanksgiving. It’s fowl.”

Ben chuckled. “Pun intended?” Ben could hear Rafe laughing at himself. He did that a lot. Ben found more endearing than he would ever admit out loud.

There was a pause. Ben could feel the words  _ I miss you _ bubbling up out of his chest and into his mouth but he swallowed them back down.

Rafe broke the silence. “Well have a good Thanksgiving Ben! I’ll see you when I get back!”

“Can’t wait!”

“Me either!”

_ Him either. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kudos, comments, thoughts, and feedback are always appreciated!
> 
> Find me on [Tumblr](http://soareweall.tumblr.com)!


	7. Agape

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Everything in this work belongs to Bill Konigsberg.]

Ben had spent the last 3 weeks contriving different plans to subtly find out if Rafe was gay and if so, if he was into Ben. Plans were Ben’s thing. He could come up with plans. He could do plans.

He couldn’t do this plan. 

Everything he came up with seemed too forward or too blunt. All his imagined plans made Ben feel extremely vulnerable and Ben didn’t do vulnerability. At all.

Yet despite Ben’s inability to do the one thing he was good at, things with Rafe just continued getting better. They still spent almost all of their free time together. Rafe still slept in Ben’s room every night, staying up late, strengthening their already deep connection with conversations about life, philosophy, and the future. It was everything Ben had ever wanted. He just had always thought it would be with a girl. 

He was wrong. So, so wrong.

But did Rafe feel the same way? Isn’t this something a best friend should know? Ben had just assumed Rafe was straight (yes, he knows the saying about when you assume) but he still didn’t know for sure. They talked about everything except this. This was an unspoken off limits topic.  _ Why was that? _

Ben tried not to dwell on this as he and Rafe walked across the quad back toward their, yes  _ their _ , room. He focused instead on the story Rafe was telling.

“So we’re all in the locker room getting changed for gym and Standish just struts in shirtless like a fucking peacock. That’s when he starts puffing his chest and showing off his soulmate tattoo. All I could think about was that there was some poor girl named Alana out there who was stuck with Standish for the rest of her life.”

This was Ben’s opportunity and he knew it. So he charged in, head first, without a plan, for probably the first time in his life.

“What about your soulmate?”  _ Well, Ben, that was subtle. _

Rafe shrugged. “What about it? I don’t turn eighteen until summer. Claire Olivia keeps threatening me with a luau party so I can walk around in a grass skirt showing off my chest. I keep telling her if she throws one, I’m wearing a coconut bra to spite her.” Ben had learned that Claire Olivia was Rafe’s best friend from home. Ben had previously wondered if she was an ex-girlfriend of Rafe’s, but he only ever called her a friend so he supposed not.

“I meant what do you think your soulmate will be like?” Ben asked as he opened the door to their room.

Rafe put his stuff down on his, formally Bryce’s, side of the room. “I guess I just pictured feelings mostly. Someone who loved me unconditionally. Someone who made me feel like I was coming home. Someone who was proud to be with me.”

_ Coming home. _ Ben had thought those exact words about Rafe. He felt his heartbeat pick up.  _ But wait.  _

“Why do you think your soulmate wouldn’t be proud to be with you?”

Rafe took a deep breath and smiled sheepishly. It was unfairly adorable. “Because you never really know where someone is in terms of coming out. I mean, just because he’s my soulmate doesn’t mean he’s out to the rest of the world.”

_ Coming out. _

_ He’s _ _ my soulmate. _

Ben felt like all the air had been sucked out of the room. He felt almost dizzy between his lack of breath and heart palpitations. 

_ So Rafe was gay.  _

_ This could happen. _

Ben had come to terms with his unique “gay-for-Rafe” version of bisexuality in his head but acting on it was another matter entirely. Ben didn’t know what to do.

“So you’re gay?”  _ Smooth Ben. Real smooth. _

Rafe nodded. “I’ve been out since I was fourteen.”

Something about that seemed off to Ben. “So why didn’t you say anything before? Why are you not out here at Natick?” He wasn’t mad. He was just trying to understand. Ben hated not understanding.

Rafe’s eyebrows furrowed slightly. He looked like he was struggling to put his thoughts and feelings into words. Ben could sympathize.

“Remember that night we played truth or dare?”

Ben nodded.  _ Yes, Ben DEFINITELY remembered that night _ .

“You asked me why I transferred to Natick as a senior and I told you I was tired of being labeled. Well I was tired of being labeled ‘the gay kid.’ It was like that was the only lens people saw me through and there is so much more to me than that but no one could get past the gay label. Being out was almost a barrier in some ways. So I came to Natick and made the decision not to be openly gay so that the other parts of who I am could take the spotlight for once. I am so much more than one label.”

Ben’s heart ached. It must have been so hard for Rafe to feel that he had to hide part of who he was.

Ben met Rafe’s gaze as he spoke. “But why didn’t you tell me? Why did you lie? Did you think I would judge you? Did you think I would no longer want to be your best friend?” The idea that Rafe would think this lowly of Ben hurt. Ben hurt in places he didn’t even know he could.

Rafe shook his head vehemently. “God Ben no! Not at all! It's…just...well…I never had a best friend like you before and we connected on so many different levels. I didn’t mean to not tell you, I just-,” Rafe sighed. Ben had never seen him look so lost. “I’m so sorry, Ben. I never meant to lie to you.”

Ben’s heart just about shattered when he saw the redness creep into Rafe’s eyes, the hazel eyes that started this whole thing. He crossed the room in two strides and enveloped Rafe in a hug.

“Hey, it’s okay. I get it. I do.” Ben could feel Rafe’s breath on his neck. He was sure Rafe could feel his heart thundering in his chest. They had never been this close. Ben could feel his muscles straining as he tried not to shake.

It was Rafe who pulled back first. He smiled as his eyes focused on Ben’s. He looked unlawfully good. It really was unfair. “Thank you for being such a good friend, Ben. I really don’t know what I would do without you. You are the person I’m closest to in this entire world. I didn’t think people could have friendships like ours. I didn’t know it was possible.”

Ben had had those same thoughts too but when Rafe said “friendship,” a little part of Ben died. Ben knew in that exact moment that being Rafe’s best friend wasn’t enough. It could never be enough. Ben needed more. When it came to Rafe, he needed everything.

In a moment of sheer bravery, Ben reached out and touched Rafe’s cheek. It was smoother than he thought it would be. Ben thought idly that he must have just shaved that morning. Rafe leaned into the touch as their eyes bored into each other.

It was so quick; Ben didn’t know who started it. All he knew was that he was kissing Rafe and  _ holy shit it was good. It was so good.  _

It was everything.

Ben poured himself into the kiss. He needed Rafe to know how badly he wanted this and how much it meant to him. Rafe kissed him back with the same passion and wanting. It was unbelievable. All of the pressure and the heaviness that always encased Ben was gone. He had never felt so light. He vaguely considered how it was possible he hadn’t floated away with happiness.

Rafe let out a small moan as Ben kissed along his jaw and then down his neck. The taste of Rafe’s bare skin against his lips and tongue combined with the sound of Rafe moaning was devastating everything Ben was trying to think. He couldn’t breathe but this time it was in the best possible way.

Ben pulled back to look at Rafe. His eyes were wide and wild and gorgeous.  _ How had he gone so long without this? _

Ben wanted so badly to put into words everything he was feeling in that moment, everything he had been feeling since that first day out on the quad. He couldn’t find the words.

He realized the word he was looking for did not exist in the English language.

Ben smiled at Rafe as he whispered, “ _ Agape _ .”

“Excuse me?” The shocked look on Rafe’s face almost made him laugh.

Ben smiled affectionately as he explained, “The Greeks were smarter than us, and they had different kinds of love. There’s  _ storge _ , which is the family love. That’s not us. There’s  _ eros _ , which is sexual love. There’s  _ philia _ , which is brotherly love. And then there’s the highest form.  _ Agape _ . That’s transcendental love, like when you place the other person above yourself.”

If Ben wasn’t already in love with him, Rafe’s smile when Ben finished would have done him in.

“ _ Agape _ ,” Rafe said. “I like that.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kudos, comments, thoughts, and feedback are always appreciated!
> 
> Find me on [Tumblr](http://soareweall.tumblr.com)!


	8. Soulmates

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is it!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Last time you will see this disclaimer! Everything belongs to Bill Konigsberg!]

If Ben was forced to pick one word to describe the previous month,  _ euphoric _ would be it.  _ How was it that the Ancient Greeks had all the words Ben needed to describe his feelings for Rafe? _

The final days before the holiday break were a Rafe filled haze. Ben was sure he went to classes and did homework but his memory could only seem to recall the moments with Rafe.

Rafe had been so patient with Ben. He understood that while he was out everywhere but Natick, Ben was out to no one and these feelings were all very new for him. While the last month had been the best of Ben’s life, it had also been a time of intense introspection for Ben. Ben could never express to Rafe how much his patience and support meant to him. He knew Rafe wanted so much more for their relationship but he was willing to let Ben set the pace. Ben didn’t know how he had gotten so lucky.

He was ready now.

He watched Rafe as he slept quietly beside him. Ben felt his whole body was humming with anticipation. Tomorrow he would be eighteen and Rafe’s name would be written across his chest. His heart spasmed every time he pictured Rafe’s name written over it.

He wanted to proudly love Rafe, just like he wanted. Ben could think of no better way than with a permanent tattoo on his chest. Then it would be him and Rafe against the world for the rest of their lives.

When Ben did finally fall asleep, he dreamed of Rafe. He dreamed of their future. He could see them being together in college, sharing ideas and friends. He could see their future house, out in the woods with a fireplace. He dreamed of coming home to Rafe every day, cooking meals together and reading by their fireplace. Him and Rafe.

_ Soulmates. _

Ben woke up smiling. He did that a lot lately. He ran his hand over his chest as he turned to look at Rafe, who was still sleeping next to him. His chest didn’t feel physically different. He climbed out of bed as softly as his 6’2 body would allow and made his way down the hall to the bathroom.

He faced the mirror and took off his pajamas shirt.

That was when he saw it, in cursive across his heart:  _ Seamus _

Ben staggered closer to the mirror.  _ That can’t be right.  _ He braced himself against the sink, his hand running over the name again and again.

_ Seamus. _

_ Who the fuck was Seamus? _

Ben didn’t understand.  _ How was this happening?!  _ Ben was trembling so badly had to force himself to stay upright.

_ Rafe. It was supposed to say Rafe. _

Ben threw his shirt back on and ran out of the bathroom. He raced down the stairs and out the door towards the woods. He couldn’t breathe. There didn’t seem to be enough oxygen in the entire world.

When he got to the pond, Ben sat down and buried his face in his hands. He still didn’t understand. He knew what his heart wanted. His heart wanted Rafe.  _ Why would the universe give him Rafe to then just take him away? _

_ God, what would he even say to Rafe? _ He knew Rafe would want to see his soulmate tattoo. They had talked about it a lot the past couple of weeks leading up to today. Neither one of them had had any doubt about who’s name would appear on Ben’s chest.

Ben felt like he had failed Rafe, the person who mattered most to him.

He didn’t even try to stop the tears as they fell.

He thought about Rafe waiting for him back in their room. His alarm would be going off soon. Rafe had planned an entire excursion for Ben’s birthday. They were supposed to go into Boston and walk The Freedom Trail, visiting all of the important historic sites in Boston. They were then going to have dinner at The Green Dragon Tavern, the same place the Sons of Liberty had met in. It was something Ben had always wanted to do and Rafe was going to make it happen for him. They had both been looking forward to it.

_ His Rafe. _

_ No. _

_ Not his Rafe. _

Ben imagined revealing his tattoo to Rafe. He could picture the heartbreak in Rafe’s eyes when he saw the name Seamus where Rafe should be _._ The thought that he was putting Rafe through this was unbearable. He cried harder.

_ Who was this Seamus guy anyway? And how could he possibly compare to Rafe? _ Ben hated him.

Rafe set Ben free. When he was with Rafe, Ben could feel the tension and pressure that always surrounded him lift away. Rafe had brought a lightness into Ben’s life and now he would have to break up with him for  _ Seamus _ , whoever the fuck he was.

Ben sobbed for what felt like an eternity. He had no plan for this. Once he had envisioned Rafe’s name across his heart, he never entertained the idea that his soulmate could be someone else.  _ And what about that dream last night? _ Ben had thought he was seeing his future. He wept even harder.

It was the thought of Rafe panicking when he awoke with Ben missing that finally got Ben to move and start heading back to his dorm. This day was already going to be horrible enough for both of them and Ben didn’t want to make it worse for Rafe.

He hoped that by the time he arrived back at his dorm he would have figured out something to say, but as he stood outside his door, his mind was blank. It was as if his mind couldn’t even form the words because it knew they would cause Rafe to leave his life.

_ God. Life without Rafe _ . It was unimaginable.

Ben could physically feel his body rejecting the idea. He was dizzy, nauseated, sweating, shaking. He had never felt so awful, so heavy.

As he stood there trying to catch his breath, he could hear Rafe talking on speakerphone with a girl. He assumed it was Claire Olivia.

“Why would he just leave on his birthday?” Ben knew by the pitch of Rafe’s voice that he was starting to get worried. Ben felt like the worst human being on the planet.

“You know there is a TWO HOUR time difference between Natick and Boulder right?” Yep, definitely Claire Olivia. She groaned, “Did you try calling his cell? Did he take his car keys?”

“I did but he left it in the room. The car keys are here too and so is his wallet.” Ben could hear him start to pace around the room.

“Okay. So he couldn’t have gone far. You’re probably freaking out over nothing. Don’t worry. Your boyfriend will come back to you and you’ll have hot birthday morning sex.”

Rafe laughed. Ben tried not to think about how much he would miss the sound of his laugh. “You’re right. I just wish I knew where he was. I wanted to make his birthday perfect.”

Ben felt like he was walking into his execution. Maybe he was. He took a deep breath and opened the door.

Rafe smiled brightly. “Hey! Happy Birthday! Where have you been?” He tossed the phone on the bed and ran over to hug Ben. Rafe was still warm from sleep as he pressed into Ben. He hugged Rafe hard and inhaled. He smelled so good. Ben ached as he thought about how much he would miss this.

A noise from the bed separated them. “Yay! I was right! You OWE me big time!”

“Yeah, yeah. Alright Claire Olivia, I gotta go. I’ll call you later!”

She sighed, “Ditched for the boyfriend. I should make that the title of my autobiography. Alright, later Shay Shay. And by the way, never call me this early again!”

Rafe ended the call and came back to hug Ben. He pressed his face into Ben’s neck. “Hey, birthday boy. Happy eighteenth!” He looked up at Ben and gave him a soft kiss on the lips. “I love you.”

Ben wondered if Rafe could hear his heart breaking. Ben could certainly feel it. He still didn’t know what to do or what to say. Ben wished to spend a lifetime with Rafe and now he was going to have to say goodbye.  _ Maybe this was for the best. Rafe deserved to be with his true soulmate, even if it wasn’t Ben _ .

But Ben couldn’t make his mouth form the words. He just continued to hug Rafe as hard as he could.

“Hey there big-guy, I sort of need to breathe a little.” Ben reluctantly loosened his grip. “So where have you been all morning?” Rafe climbed back into bed and motioned for Ben to follow.

Ben just sighed. “I was out by the pond in the woods. I just needed to go for a walk.” He smiled a little to keep from crying. “I’m sorry for worrying you.”

“It’s alright, just next time leave a note or take your phone or something so I don’t have to call Claire Olivia at the ass crack of dawn.” He grinned wickedly. “Now, get over here. There are some things I want to do to you before we head into Boston.” Rafe reached his arms out towards Ben.

Ben moved out of just out of reach. Maybe if he stalled, he could keep Rafe a little bit longer. “Why did Claire Olivia call you Shay Shay?”

Rafe stared at Ben like he was nuts. “You really want to talk about stupid nicknames when I am offering up a birthday blow job followed by mind blowing birthday sex?”

As much as Ben wanted all of the above, he couldn’t let Rafe take off his shirt. Not yet. “Yeah. Knowing you and Claire Olivia, there is probably a good story behind it.  I mean I don’t see how you get Shay Shay from Rafe.”

Rafe let out a small laugh. “That’s cause you don’t. You get Shay Shay from Seamus.” He slid off the bed and stuck out his hand. “Seamus Rafael Goldberg. A victim of NWI: Naming While Intoxicated. See Claire Olivia and I-”

Ben shook his head while Rafe rambled on. He obviously didn’t hear him right but the slight hope caused Ben’s heart to pick up its pace. “I’m sorry, but did you say your real name is Seamus?”

“Unfortunately. It’s not something I go around advertising.”

Ben’s heart thundered in his chest. Ben didn’t know whether he wanted to kill Rafe or kiss him.

He opted for kiss.

Ben launched himself at Rafe and kissed him hard as they both fell back on the bed.

Rafe tried to speak. “Fuck…if I had known the name Seamus turned you on-” Ben interrupted him with another searing kiss.

_ Rafe. Seamus. _

Ben had never felt so alive. Every nerve in his body was singing.  

_ Agape. Soulmate. _

Ben pulled back and looked down at Rafe, with his red swollen lips and eyes dancing eagerly.

Ben lowered his head next to Rafe’s ear. He could feel the heat of Rafe’s face against his own. It was intoxicating. “It’s you. It’s always been you. I love you, Rafe.”

“God, Ben.” Rafe whispered back. “I love you too.”

_ He could have this forever. _

As Ben began to tease Rafe’s ear with his mouth, he could feel Rafe writhe beneath him. He heard Rafe murmur, “Take off your shirt. I want to see it.” Ben smiled into Rafe’s neck.

Ben moved back slightly and flashed Rafe a playful grin. “Why don’t you help me?”

In one swift motion, he removed Ben’s shirt. Rafe’s eyes lit up when he saw it and Ben’s heart surged in his chest. He watched as Rafe’s fingers lovingly traced over his name tattooed over Ben’s heart. Ben felt the warmth and love radiate from Rafe’s fingers through his whole body.

Ben placed his hand over Rafe’s on his chest. He glanced down at their hands before moving his eyes to meet Rafe’s. He smiled in a way he hoped was seductive. “Now what were you saying about mind blowing birthday sex?”

Rafe laughed and pulled Ben down towards him. They sank into the bed. Ben closed his eyes as his lips touched Rafe’s. He smiled into their kiss.

He was home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The end! Thank you for reading!
> 
> Kudos, comments, thoughts, and feedback are always appreciated!
> 
> Find me on [Tumblr](http://soareweall.tumblr.com)!

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Thoughts and comments are always appreciated!
> 
> Visit me on [Tumblr](http://soareweall.tumblr.com)!


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